8/31/01 10:52 p.m.

Do you know what it's like to not have any real talents? To not really be able to do anything that no one else can do? Do you know what it is like to study under those whom you wish to surpass, only to realize that they are growing better faster than you are or ever could?

Yes.

I can interject "Voices." at random intervals in my posts, too...that doesn't hint at a superior intellect. Fuck the superior intellect. I wanna chase people's cats around at 2:30 am. I enjoy doing it, so I do. You wouldn't post such deep thoughts unless you enjoyed doing it. You'd keep them to yourself.

I've been thinking of migrating to LiveJournal.com...get some more visitors on people's friends lists. This could easily link to that...only have to change one link on my webpage. Oy...the to-do list grows. "When I have money." When will I?! Fucking Toys 'R' Us hasn't told me when they want me to start, and if they call me tomorrow morning and tell me to come in at 8am, I will come in at 8am, but happy will I not be.

English is funny...you can change the order of words to sound intellectual, or, out of touch.

Funny this English be...the order of words one can change and intellectual (or out of touch) sound.

The order of the words doesn't mean shit (Shit the order of the words do not mean,) it's only important what the words themselves mean. Their length doesn't really have any meaning, either. I can say "catharsis," too...or I can say, "outlet." I'm not the greatest speller in the world, so which do you think I'd prefer to get it out quickly? If there's really any emotion being released, you won't stifle it while you think deeply into your memory of words to use. No one has any right to use a word in writing that they do not use in speech. Should I feel inferior that in 600 pages of the original Messiah, the average word length was less than 6 letters? No. Why? Because I do not care...there was a quote once (I don't even recall who...

"Fool! He thinks big words correspond to big emotion."

In a response to criticism:

"He has never once used a word that send a reader running to a dictionary."

I side with the first quote. It's no fun to have to look up words, and if you don't know the definition of a word, it subtracts from the writing experience. You don't write Latin for an American audience; they won't understand it. You don't write the Queen's English for an American audience, either, because that's just as foreign to them.

Other people that stay at home and rot...at least they leave their bedroom. Not I. I'm confined here waiting for that fucking phone call. "I cannot get these trees! Urrgh! I will kill everyone in the world!"

I'm more successful than Hitler was at his age. I'll end this on that note.

8/31/01 10:17 p.m.

Still no word from Toys 'R' Us. This isn't easy. I'm insanely nervous about working there. It worries me to no end. But what am I afraid of? I don't mind getting up in the morning and going. I don't mind working. I don't mind what people there are going to think of me. I'm just afraid that I'll screw something up, or that I'll be late. I'm afraid of failure. That's what it is. This isn't a conscious nervousness. It's a deep-rooted fear going on. One day at a time...

The alchemy scene is a major problem. 1 hour per frame. That's worse than the graveyard, and this is not something I'm going to fudge by making it smaller. 150 hours of rendering...I'll do it, but from now on, I've got to be cautious, don't I? From now on, I'll work with 3DS Max. Ugh...but have you ever tried to make a texture in that? There must be some way to import Bryce 3D textures into 3DS Max. There must be a way to convert whole objects. I'll keep looking, but so far there isn't much luck. A .obp to .max .3ds .dxf converter is what I need. And a material converter would be nice, yet all the materials are .mat for both yet they aren't compatable. They're the same goddamn thing! I'll find some base textures online.

"But that's the easy way out."

Hey, I MADE the warlock from NOTHING. So far...thinking back, thinking deep into the alchemy and graveyard scene, the only thing I did NOT make myself from bare nothing was...the scroll on the floor beneath the bookcase, and the graphic for the map (it's an old archaic map. I just found a .jpeg online.) But the map is a borrowed .jpg converted into a texture...it doesn't count since I made the object and such in Rhino.

"Why not use other people's free resources? It's better than what you can do and makes your work look richer."

Urgh...I knew that that was coming. I WILL NOT. From now on, everything is my own creation. All figures will be NURBS modeled in Rhino or another good modeling program (3DS sucks for that); none of that Poser stuff. I guess I'm just going to have to learn to do better, huh?

8/31/01 12:45 a.m.

Today was the first day of school for all of them. *Ugh* It's depressing. ALL of my friends are there all day...but I'm not allowed in...it's an odd feeling. I know I should be at college. I know that I should not be clinging to the immediate past so strongly. I know that it's over and will never repeat itself, but I just want to wake up for school tomorrow and be a junior or senior again. Everything that could happened didn't. It's over. Done. Never again will I see any of the people that I wanted to fight, to date, or to get to know. It's done. High school sucked, but I miss it. Now I'm just...slowly dying.

8/30/01 01:05 a.m.

Once I spent $120 on clothing...for a single outfit which I only ever wore once because that night was so important to me. The result? A loss of $120 and some stress. Christmas will never seem as golden.

When is my turn?

8/29/01 08:48 p.m.

"Humans aren't predators."

That isn't a quote, but the mere thought of it is absurd. Humans ARE predators. We're omnivores. If it was "unnatural" to eat meat, we wouldn't have the enzymes to digest it.

"We don't. That's why we have to cook it."

Humans have been cooking their food for so long, mainly to kill the bacteria in the food. Did you know that raw meat is incredibly healthy, and contains many vitamins, including the necessary Vitamin C, which is why the Innuit and Sami don't get Scurvy, unless oranges grow in the arctic circle. It's just that...well..raw meat doesn't taste so good (take my word for it), and it's dangerous because unless you eat it fresh out of the animal, it has bacteria inside of it. After years of cooking meat, we've seemingly lost some of the natural resistance to this bacteria, but if you want you can boil the meat and eat it, though again, it doesn't taste so great.

Also, animal by-products, including bone meal and such, are used in the agricultural industry as fertilizer. Granted, not as much cow goes into each square foot of wheat as wheat goes into each square foot of cow, but there's a certain amount.

Back to my original point: Humans are predators. We always have been. Up until around 8000 B.C., all humans were hunter-gatherers. Then agriculture came around, and staying in one place became cool and popular...it's been all down hill since there, but when you stay in once place, you have to have a food source that does, too. Domestication of animals. So what if our prey has been bred to move slower than us? That's allowed us to rise higher than all other life, because we don't have to spend all of our time on the hunt anymore. We had time to build and to learn. It's also allowed us to have a strong population of 6 billion, which explains the need to "mass produce" chickens and such. If they existed in natural populations...well, we'd eat them all too quickly.

"Apes aren't predators."

We're not apes, now are we? That's a common misconception about our origins. Apes are not humans of the past; they're an entirely different species. Back in the day we were all related, sure, but we went a different way. And apes do eat small animals. They are omnivores as well. One mark of a predator is eyes on the front of it's head, which allows for great range of peripheral vision. Examples: compare the yes of the eagle ot the eyes of, say, a parrot. The eagle has frontal eyes, the parrot eyes on the side of its head. I would think you know where your own eyes are.

"We don't need to eat animals."

That's right! We're so evolved that we don't need to eat. We can exist on water for years at a time... Of course we need to eat, and our diet includes a lot of things, including animals.

"People don't equate food with life."

That's far too general a statement. Just because one eats meat doesn't mean they don't know where it came from, and even if they did know the exact process, almost all of them would still consume it. Why? Because they do equate food with life. Their life. You don't eat and you die. To assume that people who eat meat only do so because they don't picture it as a life animal is a rather close-minded view.

I'm fine with vegentarians...but it angers me when they are vegatarians because they feel that eating meat is "wrong." Something has to die for you to live; deal with that fact. I know it's difficult to stomach, and you can take all the time in the world to accept it, but you will have to one day. Funny how many I suspect feel that because they don't eat meat they aren't a part of the problem, as opposed to, y'know, doing something about it. And all the meat you didn't buy is discarded after a period of time. A cow died in vain. I'd rather a cow or pig died and ended up on my plate than rotting in a field somewhere. That's easier to stomach. Mmm...bacon.

Dinner's ready. Bring the steak sauce.

8/28/01 04:20 a.m.

Two days to get a job or else I go to Lousiana! Mom'll never go through with that. Anyhow, DSL and Morpheus are unfair. It's a "oh, I want that" and I get it type thing. Anything digital...got it. It's unfair. I feel bad. Oh well.

I had an interesting conversation last night. Tonight. Now, rather, that made me think of conversations with Katie because it is completely different. I'm too tired to write anything coherent. I'll mail a CD with the finished work as soon as I get money for postage and a CD-R.

Recently, I've been having dreams. I'm close, aren't I? Dreams are always a sign when you're close and it's...either right behind you or off to the side. You're going entirely the wrong direction, but you're in the general area. Stop. Look around. Is it buried in the sand? Or maybe you're standing on it?

8/25/01 08:17 p.m.

What is there to say? Not much, I don't think. I can recognize someone by their "feel," not just a trademark feature. And I can tell if someone that shares a trait is that person, because I know you're more than what others remember you by. Problem is that I have trouble accepted that only what I remember you by is what you are to me. That and nothing else.

Anger is not fun, I suppose. I felt anger all of yesterday. I don't think a "healthy" friendship is one where one party doesn't really like the other and would go to great lengths to avoid that person...and if the other really likes the other and would go to great lengths to be with them. But that's an exaggeration, and it isn't new just because you've never seen it before. Women aren't very observant. My mother didn't even notice and it had been two months.

Am I going insane? Yes; of course. I really don't understand why after 18 years I've accomplished so little and lesser people have accomplished more. Right now I'm just tired and bored.

8/23/01 08:41 p.m.

Been a while..just got DSL. Nothing new, I don't suppose? No, not really. I tried to build a boat out of drift wood to cross the Connecticut River, but that failed, and then I had to scale a 7' cement wall to avoid being...well...killed by something that made a loud whirring noise. Powerhouse discharge. Well, I don't know if it really would have killed me, but it made a load noise. Then I saw homeless people swimming in the river. I drank from the Aldenville Center fountain because I was thirsty. No one seemed to mind. Petco = no job. Nothing else = good.

8/17/01 12:15 p.m.

I haven't posted in that little bit because Kevin got me Civilization: Call to Power. I've been having too much fun enslaving lesser races. The fun thing? Start a nuclear war, launch all your missiles, and then plea for an Eco-Pact alliance so that everyone stops fighting and cleans up the mess. While they waste valuable resources curbing pollution and cleaning up all the radiation from your missiles, you just build more. Repeat until victory.

8/14/01 10:51 a.m.

I hate red lights. Speaking of red, I hate that color, too, and Run, Lola, Run!

I don't like to driver "fast"...I like to driver "faster." No, not a set speed, but whatever speed I'm going, I gotta speed up. 25 isn' good...30 is good. 30 isn't good...35 is good. On highways, 45 isn't good...50 is good...then 55...then 60... I'm not after velocity; just acceleration.

So...yesterday, we ditched Jeff at the mall. Him, Frank, and Newbie. I got a great idea for a prank. We're going to get a big magnet, like a metal detector type thing, and hold it in front of Newbie for a while...see if he notices.

I'm glad we ditched them. I can just hear Jeff saying, "What was the point of that?" all the way back. What's the point of under-cutters? What's the point of going in a church? What's the point of just walking around? What's the point of watching HBO series? He doesn't seem to understand most things I do...the point is to get kicked out and catch it on film. The point is that churches are pretty, especially at night. Walking around is fun, and HBO had very good, entertaining series that are very thought provoking.

8/10/01 10:36 p.m.

"Drive-by Body Pierce!"

I don't have much to say at the moment...I just feel like saying something, and that above, from 'Loser' the song by Beck...will have to suffice.

8/9/01 11:09 a.m.

"All stars burn out, Orson. It's the flame that counts."

8/7/01 09:15 p.m.

My interview went well...I'm going to call back Friday to see if I got the job; I think I did. Hopefully I'll hear from them, first. That cute girl was working there again. She smiled at me today. Heh...

Speaking of attractive women, we went to the mall the other day. It sickens me. The mall does. I mean...*groan*

8/5/01 01:35 p.m.

Inside every gook is an American trying to get out.

Full Metal Jacket is an AWESOME movie. Little Nicky is good, too. I spent the night at Tony's house with him and Jeff. We played pool and I won...well, he lost. I didn't actually *win*...I was just lucky enough not to lose. Anyhow, I'm tired, so this should make little sense. I managed to bowl two strikes in one frame bowling. You have to focus your Chi.

What else? Hmm...we went to the mall. I don't remember what happened there, or if anything did. The *good* video cards are upwards of $200. Oh, yeah, I need a job. Hiring?

Bowling was fun. I bowled a 99 with my left hand and a 116 with my right hand. Left-handed spare. Nice.

8/2/01 11:26 p.m.

I can't sleep. I can't sleep. I'm exhausted, but I can't sleep. I'm...possessed or something, I think, by the need to write something about 23 pages long and complete.

I watched Sports Night. I like that show. Natalie is cute. The theme of it was...well, along the lines of solving people's problems and about what humans can accomplish. Two guys were 4' away from the summit of Everest and one of the characters just awed said, "Look what we can do."

Well, look what we can do...I mean, really. I worry about computers...we made these things. We made eerie plastic, metal, and glass boxes that capture our soul. Think about it..really...how fragile they are. One electric pulse goes the wrong way and you're fucked. But also thing about how sturdy they are; how much you can jostle them and submerge the keyboard in water and all that fun stuff...you can take them apart and just put them back together...nothing really, truly delicate about them. I think that we are the same way.

We're miniscule and fragile. A tiny chunk of ice or rock, maybe...2 miles in diameter can wipe out everything we've built on this earth. Two miles. That's small compared to the nebulae and galaxies of the universe. Enormous clouds of dust and gas millions of miles way are out there...and we're so small.

Yet, think of how durable we are. We can survive working in 100 degree heat. We can survive working in 0 degree cold. And yes, we can climb Everest.

To put it in a better context...everything is relative. Molecules are relatively small compared to our cells, which are relatively small compared to use. Molecules, some like DNA, are relatively large compared to individual atoms, which are relatively larged compared to a single quark. The sun..so large to us...so small to everything beyond. There are giant stars which dwarf the sun out there... And Earth is just a chunk of rock. Mountains on Jupiters moons are larger than those on Earth...some. Even Antarctica is habitable; at least compared to the surface of Io where electro-magnetic radiation would instantly kill any living thing. We are so weak compared to universal extremes, but strong compared to earthly extremes. And so far, as far as I know, only humans have been to the top of Everest. Most bacteria die in those extreme conditions. His rightful place at the top of the world, eh?

I wonder...as time passes, will earthly creatures evolve to be able to change their internal pressure consciously? If that is so, will other beings, besides man, be able to leave earth's atmosphere? Something as light as a bird can flight very high with little need for food...Lighter, stronger creatures could fly beyond Earth's atmosphere, requirng little oxygen, or storing it as camels store water for long trips in the desert. Why? Perhaps to hunt...maybe at extremely high altitudes their prey will attempt to hide. Either that or they just like the view.

Yeah, I'm sleep-deprived but not tired. This isn't healthy one little bit, is it?

8/2/01 06:38 p.m.

The Arc of the Covenant is a radio-transmitter to God. Or so says Dr. Belach in "Raiders of the Lost Ark." It's a great movie. What too few people realize is that it's essentially based on fact, with a few assumptions. The Nazis did send search parties all over the world, including Tibet and Nepal, in search of historical relics, including the Ark of the Covenant and the Holy Grail. I have my doubts that either existed in the first place, and there is no question in my mind that nothing remains of either today.

Speaking of today, I helped Joe move some stuff from his house to a storage facility. It took a long period of time. Then I walked home, stopping at the church where I made my confirmation because from the angle that I viewed it I recalled a dream in which I revisited a similar sanctuary. There I had an encounter with a relative of Christie's. Only in the dream there were more buildings around, but I am certain that it is the same church. The dream was quite some time ago, so the details are a bit fuzzy. Anyhow, I entered and proceeded to pray.

As I was leaving, a priest entered and informed that if I were to leave I would have to leave via the sacristy door, because the front door had just been locked. The reason was that it was supposed to be locked in the first place, and the janitor had neglected to do so. Now, had that door been locked, I would have not entered the church at all. Very similar to the time the drive-through window at Dunkin' Donuts was left unlocked. After a brief look around, I left, and proceeded to walk home.

I fixed my task chair, installed Visual Basic 6.0, and haven't slept very much in the last couple days. I think I've gotten...A total of 10 hours sleep since Monday.

What else is new? I dunno. I like Old Hollywood better. No one has done any 8 hour long epics in a while. It's time for a hardcore reintroduction to Old Hollywood-style epics. I want to do Paradise Lost, but it seems far too religious for most people to want to see it. Other than dazzling them with multi-million dollar special effects, I don't know what else would draw them to it...I just don't know.

On that topic, I've decided to start on a number of small projects. I need a needle to continue work on my cloak, some clay to do my chessboard, and equipment to do our comedy routines...

7/29/01 02:55 p.m.

Seems...something. I feel once more like posting nothing but random song lyrics that represent my mood. But once again I have to bring it up a notch. Aha! A whole song:

DANCING IN THE DARK

This is my song.

7/29/01 01:07 p.m.

So, let's see...last night. Yes, that's a fair topic to talk about. It should be noted that desperation almost led to some progress on several fronts. So much for progress there. When someone has many, many excuses, as Amy always does, you'd think that they just don't want to hang around you, but she claims that that isn't the case.

There is another story altogether, which prompted me to lose my tempter and hack apart a chair. I missed with the first stroke and hit my own leg, and upon falling to the ground I muttered a few curses.

I talked to Katie and Liz last night. Still trying to convince one of those that I met in Minnesota to come east and visit me. The prime excuse? There are good colleges around here.

"You still want love; love's ugly, smooth, and delicate. but not without affection; you're not alone."

I'm not alone? Bah. The eagles song..."Freedom, oh Freedom...well that's just some people talkin'. Your prison is walkin' through this world all alone.

I don't want to be alone. That was my reason for my desperation the other night. Even when I leave, I want to take them ALL with me, even the ones I dislike, to show that there is no deep-seated hatred. I want to pursue my idea. We'll start a corporation so that we can pool our money together and buy a huge mansion; maybe 10 or 20 or us...the mansion will be owned my the corporation to protect us in legal stuff. Just a corporation to function as a phantom person.

A household of close friends would be a nice thing, I would suppose. We'd have a massive household income with 20 of us. And we'd be able to impress the womenfolk. I just 19 other people with ambition and big dreams.

7/28/01 12:05 a.m.

Cheez quoted me on her blog! I feel so great when people quote me. It's...an ego thing. Why? Oh, dear God, I had an opinion! "Go forbid my opinion offends those who believe in freedom of expression." But, I'll take that as an insult. I won't stoop to the level of an online flame war.

I'LL GO ONE NOTCH LOWER.

7/27/01 07:12 p.m.

Well, what's new? I got a new computer, and a few more signs for my room. One of which used to hang on a fence in Szot Park. It says, "Park closes at Dusk. No trespassing. Police take notice. etc., etc." I find it ironic that we stole no tresspassing signs and crime watch signs. That was the point, after all.

As things settle down, it becomes more and more obvious that I'm going to have to get a job. Phooey.

7/13/01 10:00 p.m.

I just read "In Search of Schrodinger's Cat". But in a parallel universe, I haven't yet, so I'm not going to put the details here since I don't want to spoil it for myself.

Indeed, I've succumb to the level of a "nerd." I was thinking up humorous segments involving the protagonists visiting "Schrodinger's Pet Shop" at one point in time, where all the animals were kept in boxes. I played around with a few random ideas about sketches that could take place there, about whether or not the cat realizes that it's dead, "Well, by now it would have asphyxiated, so it doesn't matter anyhow," or about the customer leaving to find himself holding the door open for himself, having purchased a different animal. But my happy little bubble burst when I realized...no one would get that.

7/10/01 09:15 p.m.

Well, I'm back from Newbie's little cabin on the lake. It was fun, although I can still feel the rocking of the boat on the water now that I'm sitting on dry land in a chair. And I can still feel the slight turning of thet kayak due to the current. In truth, it's good to be back at my own house, sleep in my own bed, eat my own food, take a shit in my own toilet...and not have to worry about being polite and not eating too much. Here, I can be a glutton and a slob and really cut loose. Too bad there isn't a lake. I vaguely remember getting wet...boat wars was great...and playing cards...poker is a fun game, but only when someone has jack shit and they're putting up an incredible bluff.

Those girls came by. None of them were anything to look at, unfortunately, and weren't...well, didn't have what I would think of as an attractive personality. And there were no other girls hanging around on the lake. So, that was a loss. But it was fun. Three of a kind beats two pair.

6/1/01 09:41 p.m.

Yes, so what else is new? Hm...I don't recall if I blogged yesterday or not. But here's a thought:

"God created man in his image; in the divine image he created him; male and female he created them." Gen. 1:27.

Yet that was written by the hand of man; not by the hand of God. If there were no God, then Man would be just a talking monkey. Because there is a God, Man is something moer; a chosen race. Man created God so that Man would not be forgotten; that is the purpose of the Bible. The Legacy and Greatness of Man.

I think this is the kind of thing that I can't talk about with normal people. Most people I know wouldn't understand...more than half wouldn't even try. They would assume, like Jeff does whenever I hit upon an idea that is beyond his comprehension, that I'm "stupid." To date, there have been only a small number of people in my life that have even attempted to play with these ideas. Matt, Katie, Christie, Bill, and some random people who never participated for more than a brief conversation. But Christie is gone, Bill has moved, and Matt's mind is being warped away from a higher intellect, so deep conversations are at such a rarity... And Katie lives in Illinois. Y'know, I've been thinking about her more and more these last few days.

When the song was played off the CD, "Best I ever had" by Verical Horizon...I thought of her more and more.

So you've sailed away

Into a grey sky morning...

Now I'm here to say...

Love can be so boring.

Why is it...that...I dunno. That poem she sent me got me thinking. It's sad that I spend time thinking about people who are out living their lives. They don't spend the same amount of time thinking on me; I'm sure of that. Hold on--it's starting to leak. I can go no deeper without the damn breaking and me, myself, having to start from the beginning. Ideas, opinions, all boiling down into manifesto of my role in space-time as an individual human being. Maybe I ought to read "The Notes."

6/29/01 04:38 p.m.

Iron Fest was a success in most aspects, but a failure in one. Once again, I go to bed alone. No, no...that's a poor was of expressing it. Yes, this was another futile attempt at meeting women. No, nothing good came out of it besides the fact that it was fun. 60+ people in total. Erebus (called now The Acacia Strain), Failed Silence [the best one there], To Ashes, Down Syndrome [ha], and Uprise played, alone with Contracting Herpes [ha]. It was good, I suppose. Only last some three hours, which was surprising..because it seemed like much more than that. Anyhow, fun time.

6/25/01 03:46 p.m.

Well, I talked to Katie last night. Really, she's one of the few people that the more I talk to, the more highly I think fo her. She's definitely one of the coolest people I've ever known. Too damn bad she lives way out west...

6/22/01 05:31 p.m.

Iron Fest has become a pain in the ass to plan. No support = no show, folks. Remember this. I need people to help me with this. If you all show up on Thursday and expect for there to be something cool here, you've got another thing coming to you... ...

I sharpened the enigmatic black axe today. Well, I'm in the process of sharpening it...really, I am. It's a slow process but when it is razor-sharp the fun begins!

MARKETING HELP: For all you would-be and wanna-be entrepenuers and sales reps, here's some helpful hints. 1.) Telling someone that a product is "better than you" does not raise interest in the product. It lowers interest in the product AND in the sales rep or entrepenuer. Admitting that a product or service is "better than us" causes people to leave you to pursue that competitor's product. Telling people that they are excited about your product or service does not make them so--it does the exact opposite. They lose interest in the corporation which is so smug and arrogant.

So, on a closing note, greed and arrogance are not virtues, and virtue is its own reward.

So, I asked some really, really cute girl to come to the movies with me. She said, "no." Who didn't see this one coming? Yeah...a friend's younger sister. No, I don't get any better, do I? Still single and desperate. Desperate enough to take TheSpark.com matching tests. I scored: "Boy Scout." A loyal provider of love. Whoo-pie.

6/20/01 08:58 p.m.

It's come to my attention that a number of people consider me inferior, a joke, if you will. To remedy that I am going to kill one of them, to prove myself, if you will. Who remains to be decided. Kyle? No--I'd like to see him suffer in the presence my own REAL insanity, I'd like to show him the REAL nineth gate of hell. Alli? Again--one who for I'd like the purging to be an eye-opener. Vengeance. Frank? Hmm...no, he's harmless. Matt is the all-provider, Jeff and Dan are a source of humor...Joe and Tony, that whole bunch are allies in this madness. Killing my parents will make my intended victims appear safe in their proximity. That is not my aim. I'd like for them to feel vulnerable. Cassie? Cheez? Taurie? No, none of them have the...requirements. Matt Guiera, Damon, Stan? No...none of them. Newbie? Not when he's got his .22 locked and loaded.. ...

So there's my dilemma...killing the right one, making it obvious, and not getting caught.

But this was a rant and I am not serious. Pshah!

6/20/01 12:01 a.m.

Life is pain...loneliness, sorrow, suffering. If I am composed of millions upon millions of cells, which are the ones that produce this all-consuming hatred and anger? Which are the ones which don't shut off so that I can sleep? WHICH ONES MUST I SEVERE TO BECOME HAPPY AGAIN?

I'm a friendly person. I'm fairly laid-back--I don't take much serious..WHY THE FUCK AM I SO GODDAMN REPULSIVE?! WHY?! IS IT THE WAY I LOOK? SMELL? SOUND? DRESS? ACT? WHAT IS IT?!! WHY CAN EVEN DAN FIND SOMEONE, AND I CAN'T? WHY CAN JEFF FIND SO MANY...? WHY DOES KYLE KNOW ALL THOSE FUCKING PEOPLE?! HOW COME NONE OF THEM WANT TO RIP HIS FUCKING THROAT OUT AS MUCH AS I DO?!

WHY?!!?!

She loved me once...she said she did. But now you...and for that, YOU MUST DIE! I CALL UPON WHATEVER IT IS IN ME THAT SCORNS TO HAVE YOU BREATHING ON THIS EARTH TO RAIN DOWN UPON YOU THE MOST UNHOLY, BLOODY VENGEANCE THAT GOD PERMITS IN THIS WORLD!

They say I am stupid. I don't see it? Of course I don't see it! It is so miniscule and minute to even bother focusing on. It's not that you see it and I don't...it's that it's blocking your view and not mine. I can see what is beyond it...something more, something beautiful. But your minds aren't prepared to go there as well and thus any attempt of mine to bring you these is completely fruitless as you will think I am mad. Well, mad may I be but after I have HEWN HIS LIMBS FROM HIS TATTERED CORPSE you will see the way.

I am not "mad," because I can be explained...just not by rules that have yet been written. I am now officially desperate. If anyone desires me, tell me directly. I think I need something like that...think.

What's the worst that can happen? I CAN TELL YOU THAT YOU'RE DISGUSTING AND SPIT IN YOUR FACE!!! ...or not. You decide. I'm too tired to care... I will have my vengeance in the morning. (yawn)

6/16/01 12:14 p.m.

Women are like parking places. Yes, all the good ones are taken, and the only way to get a good one is to prowl around and watch for anyone that's just about to pull out, and then be the first one in after they do. Does it sound cold-hearted? Well, of course! What did you expect of me?

I got depressed again yesterday. Now I'm a bit better, but all my philosophies broke down again. I couldn't maintain my sanctimony any longer and felt that I was inferior to all others. The world does not need a savior. The world does not need a prophet, a new religion, a new government, or a new way of life. The only current issues that need to be fixed are ones that I do not care about. For all my romantic ideals and philosophy, I just want a comfortable, decent-paying job, a welcoming circle of friends, and someone to love. It is in the absense of that that I wish to overthrow God, rewrite the history of this world, and reinvent all things. There is nothing in life that I want to do, and there is nothing in life that is important enough to me to drive me to do what I do not wish to do. Aside from dying, I have no plans or goals for the future. Aside from the constant pain with no source and no relief, my life is empty.

6/15/01 07:25 a.m.

Archived some old entries. Damn, I hope this works. So...what's on my mind today? Ah, yes...going to buy camping food today.

I got annoyed with Kyle and Alli last night, which is very, very common. I think I can tolerate about an hour of each when they're alone, but together the egocentric force makes them unbearable. I got up, reached for the book and Kyle snapped at me and said I was being "grabby." No, Kyle, you were being "grabby." And Alli accused me of being the stupidest person alive because I told her to just untangle the thread when she was sewing. Who is the stupid one who got it tangled in the first place?

I really could stoop to their level and be conceited and look down on everyone, but that would make me no better. The problem is that no one notices my forbearance of their oppressive arrogance, thus there is no reward in being tolerant. I hate to do this to them, but it pisses me off. I might add that otherwise, they are good people...for the first hour to hour and a half.

I sincerely hope that they are humbled at the convention...that someone with a beautiful costume asks them what they are supposed to be and then refuses to associate with them during the entire day. Not for malicious purposes, it is just that I have a high regard for humility in people. Yes, I know--humility isn't my strong point, either, but I assure you that I AM trying. And yes, my webpage is good enough to go on the little triangular display at Friendly's, however I feel no need to advertise it because it isn't THAT good, and neither are yours *glare*

I could rant upon all my "friends" now, but I'd probably lose them for the things I have to say.

On a closing note, I don't like Japan, the people there, or the language of those people. I'm sure this would be directed in different amounts to Kyle, Alli, Cassie, and Matt:

You're Americans. You were born in American, and you only speak English. You aren't Japanese, you'll never be Japanese, and you probably will never set foot in Japan. It is insulting to the Japanese as a people to think so highly of them because they have good cartoons and to immitate them with the core of your emulation based upon the animations that their children watch. And the United States for all of its faults is obviously better than Japan because of V-J day and the events leading up to it. You'd have to whipped to say "...is better than us," and, yeah, that would make them better than *you*, but not the rest of us who maintain some self of dignity. And also note that acknowledging that something is better than you or any group of people does not make you better than those who don't acknowledge it. If Japan is better than America, which it isn't, then as Americans you are inferior to the Japanese and should be punished for attempting to immitate them or their lifestyle. How dare a slave set his table like his masters'!

That was a happy little rant. Oh, and my research has shown that despite what one of you said in the restuarant, raw/undercooked meat is MUCH better for you. It is just that bacteria in the meat make it also MUCH riskier to eat. About half of the nutrients and vitamins in meat are destroyed by cooking it, but so are most of the harmful things that may be in the meat. So, yeah, you would eat raw meat for the health benefits.

I should feel the need to apologize...provided I had a soul and/or conscience.

And jeers go out to Jeff, too, for bringing up at any moment all the stupid things that I've done. You're far from perfect yourself, and jeers to you and Bonte for attempting to steal into my monopoly on religious mockery.

Yes, maybe Alli did think up the t-shirt idea first, but cheers to Joe Stokowski for the smart business move of implementing the idea first. That's how the real world works.

To be fair, you can have your shots at me. Keep in mind that up until now, it has been in the company of your friends that you have mocked me. Soon enough, I will have the homefield advantage, and in my moderacy I will not take advantage of it. But soon, I may hit back.

Remember...The Fatter you are, the more American you are. The More American you are, the Less Japanese you are. Ciao.